Articles of Interest

 
  Teaching Children about Death and Dying: A Guide for Teachers and Parents -June 2005

Ruth Mossok Johnston, Family and Consumer Sciences Editorial Director.

Losing a loved one is difficult at any age. Helping children understand that death and dying are a part of life can make the experience more understandable.

David Techner, funeral director of the Ira Kaufman Chapel in Southfield, Michigan, has become a respected national resource for helping children learn about death. He has authored a book titled A Candle for Grandpa and produced an award-winning documentary titled Generation to Generation to assist families with this difficult topic. Techner has dealt with death as a profession for the past thirty-three years and has experienced the most devastating personal loss, the loss of a child, due to bacterial meningitis.

Techner’s approach is to be open and honest with children. “Many families make the mistake of never talking about death with their children—it helps to acknowledge early on that death is a part of life.” While parents may be reluctant to bring this topic to the forefront, Techner states that “kids want to know about death and dying. The sophistication of technology has brought real and multimedia death and dying to all of our homes. Kids are watching TV shows and movies where people are killed, they are hearing and seeing news programs talking about death, and they are, many times, experiencing the loss of a loved one first hand.”

Tours of the funeral home are provided for children and questions are unending. “Kids have a curiosity and you might not know what they will ask or say, but they ask honest questions.” David Techner stresses being honest in response to them as the best policy. “Sometimes the questions are out of concern for the person who is deceased; other times, it has to do with their own curiosity of daily functions.” Techner’s mild-mannered demeanor never wavers; he answers all questions openly and honestly. “Sometimes, you just have to give the facts, because sometimes there just aren’t the answers.”

Here are some key points from Teaching with Generation to Generation, a guide that accompanies the documentary.

Death is a Part of Life: Teaching children that death is a part of life.
  • It is very difficult for parents to talk to children about death and dying, because it is the ultimate in loss of control.
  • Kids need, and kids want, to be part of life. And death is a part of life.
  • IIt’s still scary to know the truth, but it’s scarier if you don’t know.
Honesty: Being honest with children about death and including them in mourning.
  • Our kids could handle the truth about everything, much better than (they could handle) half-truth or silence.
  • It’s not whether the child should come to the funeral, but how the child should come to the funeral.
  • He’s still here, (because) I can think of him.

Religion and Spiritual Beliefs

Religion and spiritual beliefs are a source of comfort to many people that have suffered the loss of a loved one. Beliefs can provide explanations on a different level.

Participation in the cemetery service, and burial after the funeral, often has two results. First, the visual experience of seeing a casket lowered into the ground helps a mourner comprehend the finality of death. Second, participation enables both children and adults to feel pride in living up to the responsibilities of attending to the deceased loved one and being supportive members of a family and community.

Mourning and Memory: Carrying the memory of a loved one throughout one’s own life.

  • Children should be permitted to grieve in their own way.
  • It’s important to let (children) find their own way of comforting.
  • When you die, your spirit stays with the people you love.
Emphasize the value of family and community relationships in helping people face a loved one’s death. Stress how this kind of support can strengthen families and communities. Show understanding at the emotional rollercoaster that can occur; fear, anger, despair, guilt, and devastation are possible emotions that may be exhibited. Take into consideration the child’s age--even very young children will sense an over abundance of emotion in their household. Don’t tell them more than you need to, but answer all of their questions as honestly as you can.

Techner closes with this advice for parents. “If there is a sudden death in the family related to illness, the very best thing you can do for your kids is go to the doctor and have a physical exam--reassure them that you are well.” Knowing that you are trying to prevent an illness that would cause separation is a comfort to children. Show them the model for wellness--eat nutritiously, stress moderation and portion control, exercise regularly, and promote healthy living.

McGraw-Hill / Glencoe
The McGraw-Hill Companies
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