Please Try To Understand Me

To communicate is to express oneself in such a way that one is readily and clearly understood. Teens like to be readily and clearly understood and have strong reactions when they are misunderstood. Feeling understood contributes to self-esteem and confidence.

In order to have good two-way communication, both the speaker and the listener need to look at what contributes to misunderstanding. Sometimes the speaker doesn't explain things clearly, or important information is left out. The speaker may be making assumptions that the listener knows more than he/she does. The listener may be "rehearsing" what he/she will be saying next and not paying close enough attention to what is being said. The listener may be too embarrassed to ask for clarification. If the listener disagrees with the speaker, he/she may not listen well; in addition, there may be a conflict of interest, making it difficult to be a good listener.

An effective way to get to a common system is for each person to speak personally and specifically and to be ready to clarify the meaning of what he/she is saying. The listener practices active listening skills, requesting clarification when needed. Checking out an assumption may be the most important part of clearing up a misunderstanding.

Here are some suggestions:

• For the speaker: Personalize your responses, be specific, and avoid generalizations. Instead of saying, "Well you know," or "They say," or "Everyone else is doing it," use "I" statements. Make the experience YOURS, that is to say, put yourself in the picture before you speak. How does what has happened affect you personally?
• For the listener: Listen actively and be responsive. If you're the person being asked to listen, try to put your other agendas aside. Avoid judgments or an attitude that puts someone down. If you cannot listen right away, negotiate a time when listening will be more possible. Maintain good eye contact and show you are interested.

Ask the other person how much time he/she wants. How should you respond: Should you just listen? Should you give advice? Should you share a like experience? There is nothing that stops communication faster than acting upon an assumption that may not be true!