Health Updates

When Parents' Divorce

Grace paced impatiently at the entrance to the movie theater. It was not like Felicia to be late. Grace was about to find a phone when she saw her friend approaching.

Then Grace noticed the tears. "What's wrong?" she asked, concerned. "My parents," Felicia said, struggling to get the words out. "They're getting a divorce."

For Better or Worse

Felicia is not alone in her experience. Government figures show that approximately half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. Sometimes a serious problem, such as domestic abuse or alcoholism, is a factor. However, most couples cite the cause of their divorce as irreconcilable differences.

This legal phrase means that two people can no longer get along with each other. Sometimes, one parent may have changed in some way, and the other finds it tough to adapt. In other cases, the couple just drifts apart. Whatever the cause, parents divorcing is no laughing matter. It doesn't have to be a crying matter either, as Felicia would soon learn.

Contrary to what she and most teens believe, divorce is not the end of all happiness. If handled properly, the breakup can be the start of new, healthier-than-ever relationships among family members.

Talk, Don't Act

The first thing any teen in Felicia's situation needs to do is to talk to someone about his or her feelings. A family breakup stirs up a lot of confusing emotions. It's normal to feel angry one minute, sad the next. It is normal to feel protective of a parent while also feeling anger toward him or her.

That is why teens of divorcing parents need a good listener. Close friends can be a source of comfort, but in this situation an adult is best. It can be a counselor, but it doesn't have to be. It can be a coach, teacher, clergy member, or relative who can help. One thing that does not help at a time like this is acting out on feelings. Some teens respond to news of a breakup by doing something harmful. They react to their pain by turning to drugs or alcohol. Doing either is a big mistake. This only complicates the situation.

Adjusting

A divorce or separation feels a lot like losing a parent. It certainly impacts a teen's life in big ways. Teens are required to make different adjustments in their daily lives. Among the possibilities are:

• Moving. It can be confusing at a time when life seems on the rocks and a person has to leave a familiar home. The new experiences can be overwhelming.
• Spending time with parents on a separate basis. It's tough to deal with each parent as individuals with different homes and lives. If the split was accompanied by bitter feelings, the situation can be even worse.
• Money problems. Two separate homes, cars, and other essentials of life are more expensive than one of each. This may mean that one or both parents have to "tighten their belts" a little to make ends meet. So do their children.

Dealing with Divorce

This all may sound grim. However, there are things that can be done—not only for the sake of the teen, but for divorcing parents. This will make the transitional period a little easier for everyone.

• Keep the lines of communication open. Sharing feelings with one or both parents is important. Set aside time to just sit down and talk. Some parents have no idea that their children are hurting. Although it's hard for a child to see parents unhappy, it's even harder for parents to know their teen has bottled up feelings so they are not a burden.
• Turn to others for support. This doesn't mean a teen should run from the situation or from his or her reaction to it. Just the opposite. The emotional seas can get pretty stormy during a breakup. Looking for a "safe harbor" is a good strategy. This could be a friend who's going through the same thing. Some find it helpful to talk to someone who's been through it. Other teens can have surprising perspectives and helpful suggestions.

Just the Facts

1. Why is it important for a teen whose parents are divorcing to find someone responsible to talk to?
2. What are some of the adjustments teens need to make when going through a parental separation?
3. What are some strategies for coping?

Beyond the Facts

4. The article notes that breakups, if handled properly, "can be the start of new, healthier-than-ever relationship among family members." In what way do you think this is so? Explain.

Applying the Facts

Consider the importance of getting help from trusted adults when faced with a situation as serious as parents' divorce. Find out what resources are available in your area that can help teens dealing with this issue. Make a resource list for the class. A good place to start is with the school counselor's office, or check local community resources.